I've never thought much about what I consider home to be. For me, anywhere I can be comfortable is home. And when I say comfortable, I mean the kind of place where I feel okay wearing sweatpants and no bra. Where I don't care if I showered the night before or even brushed my hair. This means that sometimes, even in my "home" I'm not comfortable - if someone I'm not comfortable with is there or something's happening where I can't sit in my pajamas all day, I'm not sure I'm still really home.
I've never had to think about it before, because I've always had a home, physically and mentally. I had my parents' trailer when I was a kid. Our house when we moved. My dorm after the first night or two. My apartment for the two years I've lived here. They were all home and I always thought it was about the people or my familiarity with the place. Or maybe it was just because I had to be there so much that it became home - I get the same level of comfort in certain hotels if I'm there long enough. But I'm realizing now it's just because I can be 100% my most relaxed self in those hotel rooms.
It's 4:30 in the morning and I have class in 5 hours but I'm thinking about this because I'm losing home.
To a degree, this isn't news to me. The dorm was temporary. The apartment was on a deadline from the day I moved it. My parents always talked about the possibility of moving; I just didn't think it would actually happen. And I certainly didn't think they'd ever move in with my grandma. Not before I was 1000% moved out. The idea is troubling for me for a lot of reasons. I'm not sure I can ever be comfortable with my grandma; I haven't been fully myself around her ever in my life and she's not exactly my peer. I've always presented myself in a specific way to my extended family and that's not the me that I really am. I'm not sure I'm ready to change that presentation.
I'm not going to have home for the better part of the next year, if not longer. And that's one of the most terrifying things I can think of. I need home. I need to be 10000% comfortable where I'm living at least 90% of the time or my mental health goes to hell. I've done it before and I don't want to do it again. And I have no idea how I'm going to handle this. No possible idea. I thought dealing with all my physical health issues was going to be enough of a challenge this summer, as well as learning how to drive and trying to get freelance work to help cover my study abroad expenses. And now I have to do it without being home. And then I have to write my thesis and finish my college experience without being home. And I don't know what to do, but I sure as hell can't sleep knowing that.
But I guess I have learned one thing: Home is definitely a state of being for me.
